Making Love, Out of Nothing at All
by ClayandSarah4ever
Summary: Clay's POV after "Hail and Farewell"
1. Making Love, Out of Nothing at All

Title: Making Love, Out of Nothing At All

Author: ClayandSarah4ever

Feedback: 

Rating: PG-13 to be safe

Category: Songfic but, it may fall under a few more

Pairing: None really, although it alludes to Clay/Sarah

Spoilers: All seasons up to and including "Hail and Farewell"

Archive: Don't know why you would but, ask first

Summary: My take on the ending of "Hail and Farewell" from Clay's POV

Warnings: Uhm, none that I can think of. Mild profanity and sexual encounter alluded to.

Disclaimer: The characters of JAG belong to Donald P.Bellesario Productions. "Making Love Out of Nothing At All" belongs to Air Supply and was written by Jim Steinman. Any other names in the story are fictional and based on the characters in the show, although we don't know their real names. No copyright infringement is intended. This is solely my imagination.

Author's Note: Thanks to zzilly14 for telling me how to post this. This is my first attempt at fanfic. All blunders, if they don't coincide with canon, are mine. Words spoken are in double quotation marks; Clay's thoughts are in single quotation marks. The words of the song are in italics. Feedback is appreciated.

The spring evening was clear and bright, the stars were sparkling through the night sky. The humidity hanging in the air foretold of the coming heat of summer. The low murmur of sounds, emitting from the nearby building, were all that the lone occupant in the car could hear. The man was sitting in the dark, using the night as a shroud. He had lived majority of his adult life in the shadows. They became his friend, his confidante. They were the only one in whom he could confide his deepest, darkest secrets. That was, until she appeared in his life.

Her. Was there anyone more perfect than she? She displayed grace and beauty, even when she felt awkward and unworthy. She had a competitive spirit that fought for respect in a male dominant world. She, who helped me survive the worst possible hell. She was my beacon of hope to anchor me to the ground. She, who was willing to sacrifice her life for mine. She, who kissed my broken body gently, as she prepared to embark on a dangerous mission without me. She, who I was unable to protect but, who in turn protected me. She became my life. In a word – Sarah.

'It was Sarah whom I was watching. She had just come out of the Officer's Club with her partner, Harmon Rabb, Jr., and sat on the porch. From this distance, I, Clayton Webb, CIA extraordinaire, could see Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie's face as she sat and talked to Harm. A pang of jealousy shot through my heart. Sarah, this past year, had become the special woman in my life. Even though I knew, rationally, that Sarah had to interact with the Navy Commander, on a daily basis, it still bothered me to see them so cozy'.

'However, I felt guilty because I know that the mixed emotions that played across Sarah's face were because of me. I had left her, again, to go on a mission. I had sort of lied, well, not actually lied, but, I omitted my final destination. I did go to Rhein-Main, Germany, as I told Sarah but, I failed to tell her that I had to go on to Kuala Lumpur, in Malaysia. My contact, in Malaysia, had warned me that there were several Al – Qaeda cells preparing for another attack but, were unable to specify when. There was one man on the inside of one of the larger cells and only he had the intel to take out the entire network in Malaysia'. "My job," I mused, "was to get Omar and his informant out of Kuala Lumpur. Even that failed."

'I had arranged with the SecNav, the usage of the _USS Thomas Lyons_, the closest Naval ship in the area. She was already in the Pacific providing Naval components support for a Pac-Com ops. It was just a matter of diverting her to meet my two companions and I in Singapore. Once there, the others and I would board the _USS Thomas Lyons_ where the ship, in turn, would transport us to Darwin, in the Northern Territory of Australia. Once in Darwin, we would board a charter plane to Sidney; and from Sidney, a plane headed for the States'.

That was, if we had made it to Singapore. 'I can't believe what a screw up the op was,' I sigh. 'It seems I'm bound for failure'. I had been doing rather well, or so I had thought. ' The psychiatrist said that I was progressing well. Physically, he couldn't see any residual scars on my body. Mentally, the months that I have spent in therapy, have helped me overcome my self-doubts that plagued me since the Angel Shark incident.'

Rubbing my fingers over the bridge of my nose, I shift my position in the car seat. ' The plan was foolproof but, somehow I feel that Fate was conspiring against me the whole time. We were to board a Zodiac, that I had hidden in the bushes, and travel the two hundred miles to Singapore. We had enough provisions to last us, what I calculated to be, a four day trip. We were going to travel the Straits of Malacca under the cloak of night and stop, in secluded areas, on the Malaysian Peninsula, during the day. And all was well, until the third night. I swear, the meteorologists there suck just as bad as here in the States. I should have never trusted the weather forecast. Otherwise, that squall would have never taken us by surprise. Thank God, we were close enough to Singapore to send off a distress signal and that the captain of the _Thomas Lyons_ had common sense to come into the Straits. Otherwise we would have all been goners'.

'Even after all these years of working for the Company, I still can't get used to the loss of life. We'd all be goners but somehow, some stroke of luck, kept me from drowning. Maybe Fate was shining down on me. Or else, Someone up there knew I had a promise to keep to a Marine Colonel. And though I don't have the hard proof, Omar's contact was good as his word. It's a pity that they both lost their lives at sea. He did, fortunately, speak of the plans the Al – Qaeda cells had for another attack, while we were traveling. So, at least I know the where, if not the when. After the bodies and I were left in Hawaii, I immediately called Deputy Director Harrison Kershaw. Of course, Kershaw told me to come home immediately to be briefed by him personally and that it would be reported to the world that I was one of the "casualties" lost at sea. I argued vehemently with him, to no avail. I didn't want Sarah to have to go through the pain of my loss. But, knowing my Marine, she will suck it up. I'm just sorry that I have to put her through this again. I know of her track record with men. She told me about it during our last night together. She told me of how, when in Paraguay, after she and Harm made it back to Ciudad del Este, he told her how he hoped that I would fare better than her previous boyfriends. As she told me that, I could see the hurt that flickered across her face. I gently asked her what he meant by that. She sadly explained to me how she had overheard Harm tell Sturgis that every man she had ever gone out with was either dead or wished that he was. When I heard that, and seeing the pain that it caused her, I was ready to storm over to Harmon Rabb's apartment and this time **HE** would be the one with a broken nose. Fortunately, for him, Sarah restrained me and stated that she has come to expect that from him, especially when it concerns our relationship. Still, it doesn't make it any easier to swallow'.

' I've got to get myself out of this funk,' I think, as I reach for the dial on my car radio. 'The nice thing about my sportscar, is that is has an awesome sound system.' Turning it on, I flip past the hard rock stations and even bypass the classical station that I frequently listen to. 'Ah, yes. The good old '80s station.' The DJ was just coming back on the air, from a commercial break. She started saying that the next song was a special request of Ty for his girlfriend, Jackie.

The opening strains began and I closed my eyes as the voice of Air Supply came over the airwaves.

_I know just how to whisper,_

_And I know just how to cry;_

_I know just where to find the answers;_

_And I know just how to lie._

' Oh, Lord. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear this was me. If there was one thing that the Agency has taught me, is how to find the answers I need, no matter the cost, and how to lie to loved ones, all in the name of National Security. That's why none of my previous relationships have ever lasted. They were all based on lies. Lies about my job, lies about where I was going, lies about when I would be home. Thank God, Sarah has been able to see beyond Clayton Webb, the Agent, and see Clayton Webb, the man'.


	2. Making Love, Out of Nothing at All part ...

_I know just how to fake it,_

_And I know just how to scheme;_

_I know just when to face the truth,_

_And then I know just when to dream._

'My mother told me, a few years ago, of JAG's efforts to find my killer after I had faked my death. She told me of Harm's visit to her estate and how he questioned her delicately of who would want to see me dead. I was touched, and mind you, my feelings aren't a banner that I tote around, but, it felt good to know that there were others out there that cared about me.

I was surprised, by the fact, that AJ wanted my killer brought to justice. I have always been a thorn in his side for years, using his people for my ops. He broke my nose because I used Harm and Sarah as pawns in a struggle between General Parlovski and Major Sokol. He probably would have broken my nose, if he could, when I baited him after Harm and Sarah went after Commander Keeter and the stealth jet.

However, it was most surprising to me, when Harm told me of Sarah's breakdown, that I nearly leapt for joy. The woman, who had inhabited my dreams for so long, actually cared about me. She even told Harm that she thought there was something "lovable" about me. I have always loved her from afar. I always figured that she and Harm would get together and that the spy would only get the girl in my dreams. Even though, I have everything money can buy, I couldn't buy Sarah's love. And I didn't think that I would even have a chance with her until I almost got her killed in Paraguay.

I had some self-doubts about taking her there with me but, I didn't know who else to turn to. And besides, what man wouldn't want to spend some "alone" time with Sarah MacKenzie? Well, I didn't get the "alone" time that I had hoped for. I slept in the bed and she slept on the couch. Some married couple we were. And when we did, finally, get some "alone" time, I was mostly in agony from my daily "sessions".

_And I know just where to touch you,_

_And I know just what to prove,_

_I know when to pull you closer,_

_And, I know when to let you loose._

' So, when I finally got the nerve to ask her out, it was when I thought that I wasn't going to make it and had to spill my guts about my feelings for her. She gave me a promise, sealed with a kiss, that kept me living until Victor could get me to the nearest hospital. However, it would take eight months of agonizing rehab, on my part, and the jitters for our relationship to progress to the next step. During those eight months, every time I would try to initiate getting closer, she would push me away, by either her attitude or physically. So, I would back off, not wanting to be banished from her life completely. And, though mentally, I wanted to make love to her, I was concerned that, physically, I would be unable to. The torture Sadik put me through, caused my responses to be less than desirable.

It has been a while since I was last with a woman. I will admit that my job seems to preclude that aspect of a relationship. I'm not much into one night stands, so, up until Sarah, I had been taking care of business, the man's way. After rehab, my first few attempts were, uh, failures. That really depressed me. Even thinking of my more steamy dreams of Sarah, which sustained me through my exile to Suriname and later Tierra del Fuego, couldn't raise me to half-staff.

So, imagine my surprise, after coming home from a mission one day, to find a welcome home party for one, in my apartment. As much as I wanted our first time to be slow and memorable, the sensations, that she created, kept egging me on until I exploded. As brief of an encounter we had, I could tell from the look of contentment on Sarah's face, that I had succeeded in pleasuring her'.

_And I know the night is fading,_

_And I know that time's gonna fly;_

_And I'm never gonna tell you everything_

_I've got to tell you,_

_But I know I've got to give it a try._

'Looking back on our last night together, it was a high and low point in our relationship. A high point, because Sarah took the time to prepare me dinner, which she rarely does and our lovemaking. A low point, because I knew that I had to leave that night, to pack for my trip and as well as omitting a few details from her. This is the first time, since we started dating, that I have had to "lie" to her. I made her a promise that I wouldn't lie to her. And, as I was walking out the door, she told me that she loved me, I nearly came close to disclosing to her where I'd be. But, instead, I told her that I was relieved. Looking back, I should have told her that I loved her as well. Now that I am "dead", I wished that I would have said to hell with National Security and told her the truth'.

_And I know the roads to riches,_

_And I know the ways to fame,_

'I wished that I had told her the truth about my mission. I know that she worries about me, as does Mother. I wished that I had told her about leaving the Company after this mission. I know that it would have made her happy. My job was a constant sore topic with both of us. I enjoy my job. I'm good at what I do. Sure, it doesn't pay nearly enough, for the risks that I take but, look at what my parents had. Mother is in all the social circles. She has her thumb on the pulse of the comings and goings in Washington. She enjoys the social functions, unlike myself. That was, until after she stopped trying to set me up with every debutante in the city. I know that I was considered "eligible" and, for many a society girl, deemed a great catch. After all, I come from money; I have a great job with the "State Department". What more could a girl ask for? I can't blame my Mother for her desire to see grandchildren before she dies. She wants to ensure that the Webb lineage will continue on. Well, Mother, I got news for you. I don't think that you will get your wish. I am no closer to having children now, than I was twenty years ago'.

I know all the rules 

_And then I know how to break 'em_

_And I always know the name of the game._

'My mother's never gonna get grandchildren because I couldn't take a nice, quiet desk job. I had to be where the action was, calling the shots. At one time in my career, I was willing to do whatever it took and consequences be damned. I was a risk taker. I was once the youngest Deputy Director and the Agency's rising star. I knew the players and their weaknesses and I knew how to exploit them. If my conscience pricked me, I would roll over on it by the ends justifying the means.

Some would say that I was ruthless; some even say I have no heart. Sarah had even called me the Tin Man. And at one time, I would be in agreement with that assessment. But, not anymore. The excitement of the kill doesn't thrill me. I have seen too much in my career to be swayed to that side. I still enjoy bringing terrorists and the like down but, I second guess and hesitate more. Alvaro was prime example. Sarah questioned why I shot him. I had to, I had no choice'.

_But I don't know how to leave you,_

_And I'll never let you fall_

'No choice? We all have choices and I made mine. I chose my love for Sarah over security. I couldn't stand and watch her go after Victor by herself, so I chose to go with her. And my 'choice' got us both captured. No choice? I chose to let Sadik use me as a lightbulb rather than let him touch Sarah. No choice, you say? I chose to endure Sadik's cruelty, until the choice was taken from me. No choice? I would have chosen differently had I had to do it all over again. This time, Sarah wouldn't have been there. This time, I would have died'.


	3. Making Love, Out of Nothing at All part ...

  
And I don't know how you do it 

_Making love, out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

'Making love out of nothing at all? Over the past year, that's what I felt our relationship was. Emphasis on the nothing part. I hated it when I would have to call her at the last minute to cancel a date and be unable to tell her when I would be back because, frankly, I didn't even know. It wasn't like I deliberately kept my length of stay a secret. I honestly never knew when I would be back. I didn't want to give her "my" calculation, only to have to call and let her know that I was wrong. She told me that she wanted more. And more is good. I just had to tie up this last mission and then I could give her "more". I just didn't think that it would end up this way'.

Every time I see you all the rays of the sun 

_Are streaming through the waves in your hair;_

_And every star in the sky is taking aim_

_At your eyes like a spotlight,_

'If I never thought our relationship would end this way, I definitely never would have imagined that it began the way it did. The first time I met Sarah MacKenzie, it was in Admiral Chegwidden's office. The sun filtering through the room, bounced off the highlights in her hair. She had a hell of a grip as she shook my hand and proclaimed, "MacKenzie", a steely look of determination in her dark brown eyes. And even though I had to maintain my professional façade, I fell instantly in love. Outwardly, you couldn't tell, I may have even acted a little bit more arrogant than I should have but, it was to cover the butterflies in the pit of my stomach'.

The beating of my heart is a drum, and it's lost 

_And it's looking for a rhythm like you_

'Every time I saw Sarah, my heart started thudding in my chest. Sometimes it would beat so fast and loud, that I feared that she could hear it. Either that or else I would die of a coronary. It wasn't until we were in Sadik's shed that I realized her heart was beating just as fast. Whether it was out of fear for our situation or from being near me, I don't know. All I know is, that when she was holding me, my heart started beating in sync with hers'.

You can take the darkness from the pit of the night 

_And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright._

_I've got to follow it, 'cause everything I know, well it's nothing till I give it to you._

'There was a time when I thought my heart would stop beating. During my "sessions" it would beat so hard that I started having chest pains. I wondered if that was how a heart attack felt. However, Sadik's men were good. They knew just how far to push me each time without killing me. They would taunt me by insinuating that once I was dead, that they would "enjoy" all that my "wife" had to offer. They would jeer and say that they would rip the child she carried out and replace it with a true Muslim child. Then they would proceed to electrocute me. After they dumped me back in the shack, seeing Sarah's worried look would only fuel my resolve to do everything I could to protect her, even if I had to fight death. When she would hold me, she became my beacon of light, guiding me out of the darkness. And sometimes, after my "sessions", it could be very dark indeed'.

_I can make the run or stumble,_

_I can make the final block,_

_And I can make every tackle, at the sound of the whistle,_

_And I can make all the stadiums rock_

'Things could be worse, I suppose. I could be dead. Or worse, I could be paralyzed for life. After rehab, I wasn't able to resume my active lifestyle. I miss playing the piano, although my traveling had always prevented me from playing it as much as I would have liked. Now that I have moved to this smaller apartment, I have the piano in storage. The movers couldn't have fit the grand through the doorway anyways. It hasn't been until a few months ago that I have been able to ride my horses, as well. Fortunately, the help at the stables have kept my Arabians, Shadow, who is black; and Molly, who is a chestnut, well exercised. When I got home from Kresge, I went out to the stables to say hello. The horses were happy to see me and I them. I did worry that I would never be able to ride again. My horses and I go way back. Competing with them in the '88 Olympics was one of the highlights of my life. Even though I never won a medal, the experience, alone, was worth it'.

I can make tonight forever 

_Or I can make it disappear by the dawn;_

_And I can make you every promise that has ever been made,_

_And I can make all your demons be gone._

'I wished my last night with Sarah could have lasted forever. Unfortunately, duty called. That night, I know that I made promises to her that I have made before but, I also made a promise to her that I hadn't promised before. And, though I never said it out loud, I promised her that I was leaving the Company behind. This had been my last mission that Kershaw and I agreed amicably on. He understood my desire for a life, even though he tried to persuade me to reconsider. I knew that if I were to ever have a chance of proposing to Sarah, I would have to give up the CIA. So, give it up, I did. However, now instead of returning to Sarah, I am "dead" and will have to go under even deeper to retrieve the information that Omar's contact had. Please forgive me, Sarah. I know of the demons you fight so hard to be free of and I tried so hard to be your knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, someone has given me rusty armor and I know that I have only added to those demons'.

_But I'm never gonna make it without you,_

_Do you really want to see me crawl?_

_And I'm never gonna make it like you do,_

_Making love, out of nothing at all._

'Oh, God, how am I going to survive without her in my life? I was lonely and miserable before I met her. Now, I only want to die. To not be able to hold her; kiss her; make love to her, I don't know how I will cope. Thank you, Harrison Kershaw, you have screwed my life up completely. It wasn't enough that the Company took my father's life but, now mine as well. I only pray that Sarah will seek out Mother. The two can comfort each other. And maybe, just maybe, one day, I will be able to return. I only pray that Sarah will have faith and be waiting for me.

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

_Out of nothing at all_

_(making love)_

As the song ends, Clay opens his eyes and looks up to see Harm and Sarah walk away. He turns off the radio and starts the ignition. The quiet hum of the engine fills the air. With one last, parting look, Clay whispers, "I love you, Sarah," and drives away.


End file.
